To Change or Not To Change?

Today I read this post and it got me thinking about why women change their names when they get married. The Legal Soapbox was thinking about it too and the thinking is catching. She was talking about an article by Catherine Deveny in The Age (I use the word “article” loosely here) who can´t understand why Jana Pittman changed her name to Rawlinson. Personally I was more impressed by the fact that she had won the 400m hurdles only 8 months after having a baby than about what surname she had. I have an 8 month old baby and I can tell you, there´s no way I´m even running 400m, let alone jumping over hurdles in world championship winning time.

But I digress….my brother’s new wife has taken his name, which surprised me at first but was a decision I completely respect - it’s her choice after all and who am I or anyone else to say whether she should or shouldn’t. I didn’t change my name when I got married and I still haven’t even after the birth of our 2 daughters. I just could never see any valid reason to do so. I certainly needed a better reason than tradition and I didn’t expect my husband to change his name so why should he expect me to change mine? (he didn’t) Plus I was just too lazy to be bothered with changing credit cards, passports etc (That’s about the only point of Deveny’s that I agree with). However, I don’t feel so strongly about it as to take offense if someone uses my married name. Both our kids have my husband’s surname and it never really seems to cause a problem or confusion because I have a different name. *Most* people are enlightened enough to understand when I explain I didn’t change my name. I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone for choosing to keep or to change their name and opinions like Deveny’s are no more than that - her opinion, which maybe she should be keeping to herself, rather than getting paid to spout. To me the *feminist movement* is essentially about choice and saying that you are “deeply insecure, deeply conservative or deeply stupid” is denying that choice, not to mention offensive.

Here in Mexico, the custom is to have two surnames, both the father´s and the mother´s. Some women drop their mother´s name when they get married and take on their husband´s name after the father´s, with a “de” meaning “of”, so for example Maria Fernandez Ortiz (father´s surname Fernandez, mother´s surname Ortiz) might become Maria Fernandez de Gonzalez if she married José Gonzalez Perez. The only surname carried on is the first one, the father´s. The Mexicans are a little confused when we say we only have one surname. An expat friend with a kid in Guerita´s class was worried people would think she was a single mother because her son only had one surname. Someone once suggested to me that my children might be teased or confused because their parents have different surnames and *people* might think we were not married. Shock Horror! I mean, really, there are a lot worse things than the parents of your child´s classmates thinking you´re an unmarried or single mother! Is this one of the reasons women change their name when they get married - so they can brand themselves as married and therefore acceptable? So far we´ve told Guerita just that Mum & Dad have different surnames, she´s not old enough for this to seem anything other than perfectly normal to her. The plan is that when she and her sister are old enough to understand we´ll explain that some people choose to change their name, some do not, and that all families are different.

So, my decision was not to change my name when I got married. For me, it´s easier than the government red tape of changing my name, and I´m not particularly fussed whether other people make assumptions based on our surnames. I have no problem explaining to my kids why their parents have different names. In fact, hopefully, the explanation we give our kids about how everyone makes their own choices and not all family situations are the same will re-inforce the bigger message we want our kids to have - tolerance of the differences in the world…