Personal

It’s been a while since I posted about our recent life changes ’round here. I think that’s partly my old privacy instinct kicking (it still feels a bit uncomfortable to talk about it so publicly) and also because I definitely have times when I get sick of talking about it.

The last 2 months back in Perth have been a fairly gradual process of settling back into my hometown; in so many ways it is so familiar, but it also feels like a new and strange life. Obviously things and people have changed since I left over 8 years ago, needless to say my life has changed so much in that time. Not only have I lived in some very different places, but I have also gone from a young newlywed, when I left, to a single mother of two on my return. Coming to terms with that role and my life now is not something I can do quickly, so I have really been taking things slowly. I have spent a lot of time with family and a few very close friends but it is only in the last few weeks that I have felt ready to contact others and start re-connecting with my old extended group of friends. The result of that has been wonderful support from these old friends (and a flurry of coffee dates!) but it has also meant I am talking about the separation again…a lot.

So what I’m saying is (in a long-winded way) is that I just haven’t felt like posting about it lately. It’s good to talk about other things and take my mind off it; to feel that this is not the only thing happening in my life and that I am not defined by the failings actions of my husband.

I do think about it a lot (of course) - even when I don’t want to - and I guess I am slowly moving along that path of dealing with it, learning to manage on my own; hopefully finding some sort of peace with the way things have turned out. I think that’s a long way off still, and its the acceptance that this is what my life will be like from now on, forever maybe, that will take time. I can manage to get through the days quite well by focusing on the short term needs of the girls and I. It’s the long term plans that catch me up.

Anyway, (despite saying I don’t want to talk about it all the time) I thought I’d update you on how we’re all managing….

First of all - Single Parenting is Tiring! Part of the reason I haven’t been on the blogging rounds much lately is because I am exhausted in the evenings when I would usually post and when I do have energy it’s spent trying to sort out the house and get through some of the bazillion jobs I still have to do to get us into some sort of working order. Everything seems to take so long because I am doing it on my own and because the list of things that can only be done when the curious and destructive toddler is asleep is ridiculously long and there’s only 2 hours each day to do them. Not to mention that I have to wait until I can persuade one of my obliging brothers to help me with the jobs that need 2 pairs of hands. I finally got the doors put on my wardrobes today (I’ll take photos tomorrow to show you how they turned out - I’m really pleased) - only 3 weeks after they were first installed! Otherwise, I am doing OK being on my own with the girls. There’s no doubt it’s hard work but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Rocky has been away a lot since we got back - both for work and for pleasure. When he told me he was booked to go to Canada to meet his new woman’s family just 3 weeks after we got back to Perth it was just another in a long string of disappointments and disbelief at his behaviour. But trying to tell him that the kids were really going to struggle with not seeing him for a few weeks so soon after the separation was like talking to a brick wall. As incomprehensible as it is to me, I just have to accept that when it comes to being with her, he is incapable of making anything other than a purely selfish decision - he just doesn’t get it, that he has to try and put his kids needs first.

When he didn’t even call the kids once in the 2 weeks he was with her in Canada I really realised that he has lost the plot. It’s like when they are not around, he doesn’t give them a thought at all. How can you think it’s OK not to talk to your kids for 2 weeks?

The next stop in his trip was to Mexico for some consulting work and - surprise, surprise - as soon as he was there he wanted to call the kids every other day! Like he thinks it he makes up for it by being the doting father - when it’s convenient. The first thing Guerita said to him when he rang was “why haven’t you called us?” (completely unprompted).

Chiq has been her usual happy, active self with the only outward signs of any change being that she seems to crave male affection - even men she has just met get lots of cuddles which is not normal for her. Guerita, however, has been very up and down with the situation. It’s understandable given how much has been happening and her ability to try and make sense of everything. It always amazes me how much kids comprehend beneath the surface; and it breaks my heart to see her little by little work out what’s going on. I think the novelty of new house, new school, new friends and being back in Perth has been wearing off for her and reality has started to set it, causing her to question again why Daddy isn’t living with us anymore. Add to that all his absences and she has struggled a bit in the last few weeks. I try to tell Rocky that it is so vital that he be reliable and attentive now when he has arranged to see her or call her. It’s not OK to be 30 minutes late, because that will lead her to ask me every 2 minutes when he’s getting here and then turn to me and say “Do you think Daddy has forgotten about us?”.

Last weekend she saw a lot of him and we even went a few places together, all 4 of us (his Mum’s birthday lunch, a catch-up with old friends visiting from London). I think it was really good for her to see we are able to be in the same place and be civil to each other and she loved having the time with both of us together. But she was very upset when he left and on Sunday night there were many tears. I comforted her after he had gone and said that I was sorry that she was sad. She blew me away when she turned to me and said

“You don’t need to be sorry, Mummy. You’re not the one who’s leaving.”

I don’t think she’s processed anything beyond the fact that she lives with me and she’s always saying good-bye to Daddy, but still, it reminded me that she (and Chiq in time) will work it out sooner or later.

So now he has gone away for work again - 10 days this time, then home for a week, then off again to Canada to do some work with her and a few other jobs - probably away for nearly 2 months! Yet another sterling decision from Rocky! It’ll be interesting to see if what I said about regular contact with the kids has sunk in or not. I must admit I feel more relaxed when he is away, but it’s very hard on the kids. I guess we just keep on going one day at a time and hope that he doesn’t disappoint them again.

If you got this far, thanks for hanging in there. I ended up rabbiting on for a while (specially for someone who said they didn’t want to talk about it!).

Well, we did it. We told the kids and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Firstly we went to the counsellor who was very helpful giving us some tips on how to word things, how much (or how little) information to give and what kind of reaction to expect. I had read up on it quite a bit so some of what she said was reinforcing what I had thought of doing, but she also gave some useful advice. Things like trying to make it as matter of fact as possible, without minimising the seriousness of it and not introducing the subject with “We have something serious to talk about” because that sets up a fear reaction, not only for this announcement but for anytime anyone says they have something serious to discuss in the future. She also said it was fine not to really try to explain why, but just to say that it was grown-up stuff. I found that quite hard because Guerita is so inquisitive and has and will ask Why? a lot.

So, Rocky came over on Tuesday and we told them. One thing I didn’t predict was that Guerita would react against the person who said the words, even though we were both backing each other up and had agreed on what to say beforehand. If I had thought of this I would have made Rocky say it, but as it was, I was the one to say to Guerita “Mummy and Daddy have decided that Daddy is going to live in a different house now”.

She curled up in a little ball and started to cry straight away, backing away from me. She wouldn’t let me cuddle her and looked up at me and said “This is your evil plan, Mummy”.  I know this is just a result of watching too many damn fairytales and stories with wicked witches etc, but it was pretty hard to hear. I realise that part of the price of protecting them from the truth and preserving their relationship with Rocky means that I might cop some of the blame and the acting out, particularly since they will be living with me and I’ll be the one around all the time. Her blame of me didn’t last long and by the end of the day we were back to our usual game of “Guess How Much I Love You” but she was quite clingy and pretty fragile the most of that day, bursting into tears at the littlest thing. She asked me a few times why Daddy had to live somewhere else (we just said we think it would be better that way) and she wanted to know if we moved to another country would we all be able to live together again.

It breaks my heart, but we just have to get on with it I suppose. Rocky seems to be trying to do the right thing with the kids and making himself available to see the kids every day. I was pretty pleased that the counsellor, rather than being very impartial as I worried (and trying to be fair to both sides), was actually pretty blunt with Rocky and said to him “You need to continually ask yourself whether the decisions you make are best for the children. It’s not about you and it’s not about the other woman, it’s about the kids”. I got a lot out of the counselling session and stayed for a solo 30 minute session with her afterwards. She seemed pretty shocked (although I’m sure she’s heard all sorts of stories) by his behaviour and told me all the things my family (and you guys!) have been telling me - that I’m making the right decisions for the kids and being very strong etc. It was gratifying to hear that from a third party who doesn’t know us and have any allegiances - and a professional too. She also emphasised to Rocky that it was not appropriate for the kids to meet TOW for quite a while yet. She had some pretty interesting things to say to me too about the significance of his father’s actions and how that played out with Rocky.

Anyway, now we just get on with the business of building a new life and finding out how this will work. We’ve been keeping pretty busy and Guerita should start school next week (hopefully - that’s a whole other post about the dramas of getting a place in Pre-Primary at the local school!). My cousin is visiting from Sydney for 10 days from tomorrow which I can’t wait for.

And I am still working on my Disneyland photos in preparation for a mega post. I haven’t even finished the first day yet! Soon, soon, hopefully…

A very wise woman recently predicted that the most overwhelming feeling I would have when I got home would be relief and she she was so right! (You know who you are - thank you!) I knew the situation I was in was stressful, but I don’t think I fully appreciated how much until I got home and felt like I was expelling a long held breath.

Physically, I think the last few months have really taken their toll on me. On the plus side in the first month I lost 7 kgs, although I’m not about to recommend marital crisis as a healthy weight loss technique. A complete loss of appetite is pretty effective though. For a while there, I was really only forcing myself to eat enough to keep my milk supply up. I had actually been trying to motivate myself to lose some weight before all this so this is not at all a bad thing, and in all honesty it’s one of the few things that’s making me feel good about myself. In LA I bought a pair of jeans that were exactly the same as some I bought in San Francisco back in February, except a full size smaller and they fit really well. I was pretty happy about that. (Don’t worry, I am eating properly now!)

On the negative side, the stress has knocked me around a bit. A few hours before getting on the plane in LA, I developed a splitting headache which didn’t respond at all to Panadol or Nurofen. Not exactly my preferred way of spending a 14 hour flight with 2 kids! Rocky had to take on most of the responsibility for the kids on the flight since I could barely move and as grateful as I was that he was there, I must admit I also felt some small sense of satisfaction that he got a taste of travelling alone with small kids and what the single parenting life is like. The headache continued for almost 48 hours, all through our overnight stop in Hong Kong and is only really starting to dissipate now.

So, now we’re finally back in Perth and it has been wonderful to see the family again. They are all pretty relieved to have us home too, I think. Guerita has coped so far pretty well with the fact that Daddy is staying with his Mum; the excitement of seeing her cousins, who she adores is a welcome distraction. Today we’re off to the counsellor so I expect we’ll be “breaking the news” in the next few days. After her easy reaction to Rocky staying with his Mum, I half-suspect breaking the news could turn out to be a non-event, which just means it will probably come out later once the novelty of being back home has worn off. However they react, I’m sure it will be a long, on-going process of explaining it to them, particularly given Guerita’s constant “why?” questions about everything. Part of what I want guidance from the counsellor is how to deal with the long term questions.

Also, I’ve got another guest post up at Aussie Bloggers today - part of the Australian Postcards series. Just a few photos of one of my favourite places.

My life seems to be defined by mixed emotions these days. Each day I go through several series of feelings about everything going on right now, and none of them are particularly good.

Later today we’ll finally be home in Perth, and my emotions surrounding our return are also mixed. For the most part I am pleased and relieved to be nearly home, to see family and friends, and have support from people who care about the girls and I.

But a part of me is also dreading that arrival at Perth airport. For a start, we will be met by my parents and mother-in-law. That’s not going to be awkward at all! Rocky will leave with his Mum, the girls and I with my Mum & Dad. We’ve told the kids that Daddy wants to spend some time with his Mum because he’s missed her - a lame excuse to buy us a few days to get over jet lag etc before telling them what’s really going on.

As horrible as the last few months have been, at least we have both been here for the kids. There have even been a few moments when I’ve temporarily forgotten that I somehow found myself married to a man I hardly recognise anymore. But once we leave the airport, that’s it. We will have started on a new path that’s filled with heartache, uncertainty, anger, sadness and worry. The reality of the situation will be unavoidable. I’ve been thinking that it would be fairly safe to say that the last 2 months have been the worst of my life, but the truth is I have no idea whether the next 2 months, or 6 months or 2 years will be better or worse.

It’s like I’m trapped in emotional limbo - I can’t go back, I don’t want to go forward, and I can’t bear to stay where I am. I’ve discovered that it is quite possible to love and hate someone at the same time.

I know, on the whole, going home is a good thing. It’s what the girls and I really need right now and I know I can’t avoid the inevitable pain that comes with accepting that this is really happening. I am dreading having to break the news to the kids and have agonised over what to tell them. I have to focus on what does the least emotional damage to them in how much we tell them about why this is happening, and as much as part of me wants to tell them that it’s all Daddy’s fault, I know that’s not best for them. As much as he has shaken my faith in his ability to be a good father, I think it’s best for them to have a good (as can be) relationship with him. I am certain that they are not old enough to hear details of another woman, which is one of the reasons they won’t be meeting her anytime soon. I’d like to say never, but I may not have control over that in the long run.

At least I have managed to get Rocky to agree to come to a counselling session on Monday to talk about what to tell the kids and how to handle the next few months. I know they won’t have all the answers and we know our kids better than anyone, but I’m hoping they’ll have some good advice from all their experience at dealing with these situations. The receptionist I have spoken to when booking the appointment was so kind and understanding and went out of her way to get us an appointment on Monday that I have high hopes for the benefit of the session. I’ve never considered myself the counselling type (if there is such a thing) but I think it’s something I’ll be continuing on with myself.

So, the next time you hear from me, I’ll be back on Australian soil. Finally back home. I’ve half-finished a post on our 3 days in Disneyland but I took LOTS of photos so it’ll take me a while to sort and upload them…

[Warning - I really felt the need to vent. This post is long and contains "sordid" details. Read at your own peril!]

Most people have heard of the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I know some of you have lived, are still living, through these stages for various reasons. Some of you may have also heard (or experienced first hand) that these stages can equally apply to situations of personal trauma. I guess grief can encompass a lot more things than the physical loss of a person. We can grieve for the loss of anything that’s important to us. I now know first hand that we can grieve for the loss of love, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a lifestyle, the loss of the foundation of your life.

I read descriptions of these 5 stages of grief and I see my own situation in them. I know I have begun to work my way through them. I am simultaneously able to step back and rationally look at these stages, looking ahead to the final goal of acceptance, yet I can’t imagine ever “getting over it” or ” moving on”. When laid out in such clinical fashion, you assume that you will move through the stages in order and with definition, but the truth is they are fluid, they blend together, particularly those first few. Within each day I can move from denial to anger to bargaining, back to anger, back to denial and round and round in a vicious circle. Bargaining was fairly fleeting and I can’t see a return to that, since it’s obviously pointless. But I can see an ever so slight progression away from denial, landing me closer and closer to full blown anger.

It might surprise you that it’s taken me this long to get to anger. In the early days my family and friends had plenty enough anger to go around and probably wondered why I was not uttering every curse under the sun. Why I was just trying to find a way to fix things, to make everything better. But I don’t think that emotions are ever really so easy to categorise. You don’t turn them on and off at will, and when someone you love hurts you in such a terrible way, you don’t stop loving them with a flick of a switch. In fact that’s what makes it so unbearable. That you can love and hate someone so much at the same time. That’s why you need the denial stage, because it’s so impossible to process those conflicting emotions. You wake up every day wishing it was all a bad dream, then spend the rest of the day wondering Why? and How? and thinking I just can’t believe it. It can’t be true.

I still spend a fair amount of time thinking those things and I wonder whether I will ever know the answers, or accept that there are no answers, but my denial stage is passing.

More and more often, I find myself feeling really angry. Angry that the person I trusted most in the world, the person I thought I knew better than anyone else, could have so little respect for me, could knowingly hurt me so badly. Most of all angry at how a person I thought was a great father could show so little care for his children, could knowingly hurt them so badly.

I don’t consider myself an angry person, so the burning pit of rage in my stomach is a very unfamiliar and unpleasant emotion. It makes me even more angry that he has prompted this intense emotion. The desire to yell and scream is overpowering.

But I don’t.

Because I’m the reasonable one.

Because someone’s got to think of the kids and what’s best for them. They need at least one of their parents to put their needs above their own.

So I rage at him in my head, and I generally keep the peace because I still have to keep up this charade for another 10 days. And I try and wait until I can compose myself enough to tell him calmly what an ******* he is because I don’t want to give myself an ulcer by bottling it all up inside. Sometimes I manage to stay calm, other days I’m not so successful at keeping my cool. It’s a constant struggle.

The anger I feel for him is tempered by our history though; by the connection we will always have through our children. It is nothing compared to the pure and burning rage I have for her. The Other Woman. You would think I would blame him more. It’s his betrayal, not hers. But I have nothing invested her. I’ve never met her. All I know about her is that she is the type of woman to (knowingly right from the beginning) have an affair with a married man. To knowingly ruin the lives of 2 innocent little girls.

You should hear the scathing emails I have composed in my head to her! I don’t send them, because I don’t want to sink into the mire. Because someone needs to show my kids what it means to have values, respect and dignity. Because what would be the point, anyway? She obviously could care less about me or my kids. But I can’t help but wonder endlessly what kind of person can do such a thing? How do you live with yourself? How do you justify it and convince yourself that you are doing the right thing? How do you not drive yourself crazy with the guilt? Well-meaning friends and family tell me “Don’t think about her. She not worth an ounce of your consideration.” and I understand why they say that. I would probably say the same thing if the situation were reversed, but how do I not think about her? She has inserted herself into our lives. She is (horrifying as the thought is) a possible part of my children’s lives. {Although not for a long time if I can help it. I have insisted that the kids know nothing about her, not even that she exists, and she is most certainly not getting anywhere near them anytime soon}

So in the interests of preventing that ulcer, I’m feeling the need to vent. To expose some of the sordid details and seek a little “Solidarity, sister!”  from you. I’m ready to tell you a bit more about The Horror Story. (Took me a while to get back to the title of the post, but I got there in the end)

The full story is long and detailed, so here’s the Cliff Notes version:

• The Other Woman (let’s call her that because every other name I have for her isn’t fit to repeat on a mostly swear-free blog) is Canadian. She lives in Canada and works in the same industry as Rocky.
• She met him on a work trip and they begun their liaison a few days after meeting. This was back in October last year…..Yes, 9 months ago. Let’s just let that sink in for a few minutes.
• Oh, and let me think - our baby girl was all of….9 months old when it started. Nice.
• Since October they have met up in various places around Mexico and Canada whenever Rocky had to travel for work. Apparently all of them were genuine trips, but who really knows.
• She is moving to Perth to be with him. Yes, she is moving to the other side of the world, leaving behind her home in order to break up a family and secure her man.
• Oh, here’s the kicker. Her flight arrives in Perth less than 24 hours after ours. Before we even have a chance to get over jet lag, talk to our families properly, and most importantly, tell the children that Daddy won’t be living with us any more, she will be there, like a spectre hanging over our lives.

You know, I never in a million years imagined my life having sordid details, but this is like some badly written soap opera. Did I mention that 20 odd years ago Rocky’s father had an affair and left his mother for his mistress? So you can imagine how his mother feels about all this. She’s disappointed that her son could do the same thing as his father, even though he is so much closer to his Mum than his Dad and saw first hand how much pain she went through. She’s worried for me and her grandkids and how our lives will be now. She feels guilty for any part she played in raising a child who would do this (I think she has absolutely no reason to feel guilty about this, but she does all the same). Not to mention that she is reliving all her own past hurts and seeing so many parallels between the situations.

Those scathing emails I write in my head to the Other Woman include a pretty detailed picture of how few people in Perth will be welcoming her with open arms.

Maybe I was naive to think that after what Rocky’s Dad did to their family, and after I spent the last 13 years supporting and helping (in what little way I could) him and his sisters through the difficulties they had in their relationship with their father, that he would never do the same thing. That he could never ever repeat that pattern, knowing that his kids might end up feeling about him the way he does about his Dad. Add that to the list of things I will never understand.

And add it to the ever growing list of worries for my kids. People are so quick to say “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. So then what does that mean for my children? It sickens me to think of the examples set for them by their father and grandfather and I lie awake at night wondering how I can insulate them from growing up with a completely screwed up idea of marriage.  Will they think it’s acceptable just to give up and move on when you get a better offer? That a marriage promise is just a guideline? That commitment and responsibility are meaningless words?

So. Hello, Anger. I never wanted to meet you, but it seems I might be stuck with you for a while. I’d wish for this stage to pass quickly, but I see next up is Depression, so…happy days ahead! (I wonder how sarcasm fits into those stages?)